Once again, Beth's writings kick my ass (metaphorically speaking), because somehow, she managed to crawl into *my* head, and with her writing, describe so eloquently its contents.
If you read this entry
, you will see a picture of what it was like growing up in *my* house... she uses a very clear metaphor -- and it is as though she had walked into *my* house, and described the well-crafted hoax she saw there. My parents were the artificial fish, suspended in a mock tank, looking like parents to most outsiders. Only those who cared to look closely could discern the truth behind the facade, could see that it was all an elaborate sham.
Yeah... that about sums it up.
I grew up convinced that I was fake, that my family was fake, and that I had to *search* long and hard for things that were real, to dig them up like one digs up potatoes or onions at harvest. People outside my family would comment on how *nice* my Mom was, and how *funny* my Dad was.... but all they got was the pretty mask. I wanted so often to scream that it was all a lie, and that it wasn't *really* like that.
But one of the BIG rules in a house like mine was "don't talk about it."
For years, I tried HARD to tear that "pretty" mask off.... and finally one day, it did come off. I hated bring "pretty", I hated being "cute" -- I wanted to be REAL, to be taken seriously. I wanted desperately to be valued for who I really was, not for the pretty facade I could make people believe in.
I left that house a long time ago, and have been working on issues from it ever since. And, as an adult, I can now see how my view of myself now is made up of so many pieces of long ago. Things are better as an adult, and I can go back and piece together the parts I value, and toss the parts I don't want. But it's been a long, slow process, and it is by no means over.
Nevertheless, I'm still floored when I read something written by someone I've never met, that describes to a "t" what I've been through. It still amazes the part of me that thought I was so alone.... because I'm not.